Monday, June 8, 2009

Jeremy Land

The phone woke Ron up uncharacteristically early this morning, and the news isn’t good. They’ve scrapped plans to move forward with Jeremy Land, the proposed 600 million dollar theme park in Las Vegas, which was to be a shrine to his legend. The excuse they gave? Fucking economy! Please, I know for a fact that investors were lining up around the block to fund the park, so it’s clear to me that something else was at play. Word on the street is the NFC (Nevada Family Council) was launching a major boycott plan in response to several of the planned attractions, among which were:

Too Much Space Mountain—Thrill-seekers take a high-speed ride completely in the dark, through Nina Hartley’s vagina. Built to scale, the ride lasts 15 minutes from beginning to end, and that’s before it loops around.

Butt Pirates of the Caribbean—Pleasant family ride on water where boaters pass through different animatronic porn stars engaged in anal play. Unlike typical boat rides where patrons are splashed at the end of the ride, the dousing comes right at the beginning from loveable theme park mascot, Lubey the Lion, who grants riders access to the tunnel.

It’s A Small World—riders on this slow-speed ride are exposed to a collection of celebrity penises to demonstrate the enormous disparity between them, and the rod of Ron. Featured penis for Summer 2009—Max Von Sydow’s.

The Hedgehog 3-D Experience—An elaborate music video featuring Ron with Yo-Yo Ma and the Academy of St. Martin in the Fields.

The Tea Bag Ride—Thought at first to become an instant classic, male test-riders were disappointed to learn the ride was literally an exploration of the world’s finest teas, including Zhu Ye Qing Green Tea, Pearl Jasmine, and Premium Kuding.

Needless to say, Ronnie was pretty devastated. I could see the distraught look on his face between the fast strokes of his hand (the action Ron normally takes to get himself back to sleep.)
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