Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The Honorable Cock of Ron Jeremy


I often wonder how someone who had time-traveled here from, say, 1960 would react when he first heard the words, uttered these days in reverential tones, "President Reagan." Of all the words capable of crossing his lips, I imagine the first five would be: Are you fucking kidding me? Likewise, someone who came here from 20 years ago might burst out laughing at the words "Governor Jesse Ventura" and "Governor Schwarzenegger." Today I heard the words "Senator Al Franken, " and even though I was aware of his campaign and subsequent court battle over the recount--even the fact that he was likely to win the appeal--I still can't believe it's not a joke. Once upon a time, in a land that doesn't exist anymore, the holders of political office were lifelong politicians, or at least they came from the military. They weren't actors, professional wrestlers or comedians. While to many this new trend towards "anything goes" electability is bizarre at best and deeply disturbing at worst, I am fucking stoked! Why? Do you really have to guess?

Today, I--Ron Jeremy's cock--announce my candidacy for the office of U.S. Representative in the 33rd District of California. The current representative is The Honorable Diane Watson, but that ho' is going down faster than Tori Welles on a dick made of frozen yogurt. There is no longer any reason why a porn star's cock can't hold elected office. Naturally, you're wondering which party I belong to. Repubican? Democrotch? Indepenisdent? I'm a big dick...of course I'm Republican! Besides, someone has to put Nancy Pelosi's mouth to better use. What do I stand for? Oh, let's see. How about Change?

Being a politician is not all that different from being a porn star. I read lines that were written for me, I take money from shady people, and squirt my seed on willing women. Let's face it--I know more about acts of congress than anyone in Washington, and I've spent even more time in an oval office with bush than another famous Dick.

So Diane Watson, here's one giant slab of man meat who means it when he says "I'm coming for you." My cumpaign has begun.
blog comments powered by Disqus